I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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