I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize