i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
