if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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