It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
