Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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