I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
