I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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