i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
