Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
