i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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