Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
