I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
