Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
