there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
