my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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