fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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