think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
