I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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