JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
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I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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