he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
