my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
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