marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
