Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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