evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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