I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
