Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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