if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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