Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
