There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
