Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm just crazy horny about you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
