I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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