Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
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We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across