You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Success! We fucked roommates!