why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better