So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.