At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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