matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
