you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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