no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
