I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
