I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
