You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
