Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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