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I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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