my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
