You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
A+ Viking dick
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
