Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
