P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
