What did we do last night that was yellow?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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