I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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