so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
