I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
