Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
