we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She announced her abortion via fbk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
