whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
