They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
