and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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