literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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