Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
