its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
