I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
how drunk are you?
Several
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
