So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
