He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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