I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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