she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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